I wish I were dead.. Isn't that an awful thing to say.. and maybe.. just maybe.. a couple of minutes ago it was true.. A few minutes ago I discovered that my daughter hated me.. How could someone not know that?? I should have known.. I should have been able to tell. But I didn't... I've not kept in that close of touch with her.. I thought that was what she wanted.. Seems I was wrong about that too..

How does this have anything to do with death?? Nothing really.. but there are times I feel like such a failure.. My two oldest children seem to hate me.. seems the only thing to look forward to is my youngest growing up to do the same.. I suppose one could think that maybe if I wasn't in the picture.. I wouldn't have to feel that particular heartbreak.. Course.. I suppose that's the cowards way out.. and frankly I've never been called a chickenshit.. I've been called a lot of things.. probably more today than ever before.. but never that..

So I am poor white trash.. get over it folks.. this is the way I live.. I am unemployable.. despite the many hand fulls of meds I take every day.. so I get by how I can.. There are those who love the things that I do and they are willing to pay me money for them.. I own my place.. how many poor white trash folks do you know who can make that claim?? So maybe it is a hillbilly shack in the woods.. at least it is paid for.. Matter of fact.. I don't owe anything to anyone..

Maybe I didn't make the best decisions for my children.. even though I thought they were at the time.. Maybe I am more self-centered than I should be.. but ya know.. I've discovered that most people are.. and living for my children became more than I could live with.. after all.. they grew up and moved away.. who was I supposed to live for then? I had to find myself to live for.. otherwise I might as well be dead.. I think most people live for themselves.. maybe I am wrong there.. but that's my story.. as they say..

Listen to me.. defending my right to be alive.. just how much bs is that.. I was a Marine for chits sakes.. I am a good person.. I am a private person.. I mess with no one.. and damn it.. no one messes with me either.. lol awww.. aren't I the ballsy one.. People mess with me all the time.. I'm a wuss.. I take in strays and fill their bellies and take it when they screw me in the a**.. but that's me.. just ask anyone.. not that anyone knows me anymore.. I've withdrawn from public life.. except for my shows where I sell my wares.. That's as much *public* as I want.. anything else stresses me out anymore.. I basically just want to be left alone.. I've been through enough now.. If I have to.. I suppose I could still do whatever it takes.. I would guess that anyone could.. but I'd rather just chill for a few years..

It's amazing what people can/will endure.. Don't know that I'm any stronger for it.. but it hasn't beat me yet.. No one.. or no thing.. I'm stronger than you might think.. I might even be stronger than I think.. it could happen.. maybe it happens every day..

K doesn't really hate me.. she can't.. she loves me to much.. I know she does.. she can bitch and moan about me.. but hey.. she's been through alot.. and not all of it good.. but we still have love.. always have.. always will.. and if her brother finds out what her friend said to me today.. Her knight in shining armour might gain a few dents.. David doesn't hate me either.. It just feels that way to me sometimes because I'm one of those people who like to hear the love from time to time..

My two oldest just grew up different from me.. at least that's what I tell myself.. Neither of them are interested in living off the grid.. (over eight thousand dollars, it's not cheap to live with the sun).. Neither of them want the whole hayseed in the teeth.. ride the horse to town kinda lifestyle.. and I'm ok with that.. Doesn't make either one of us a *bad* person.. just makes us different.. and what is wrong with that?

So I don't really want to be dead.. and my daughter doesn't really hate me.. nor do my sons.. It's not all sunny and bright for me everyday.. but it doesn't rain all the time either.. It's just life.. we muddle through the best we can.. and there's always someone wanting to kick your a** for any mistakes you might have made along the way.. I'm used to it..

Take care,

Vesta

What a weird way to live. Can't say that I'm enjoying life in a tiny camper. I'll enjoy living in the house much more, I'm sure.

Have you been reading about all of the tornadoes, earth quakes and other weather anomolies? I have and it's been frighting in an earth changes sort of way. I thought we had a few more years.. however I suppose it shouldn't be to amazing to see the earth changes happening all around us.. I can't help but wonder just how much worse it will get in the coming years. Just what will happen in 2012?? Nothing perhaps.. everything??

I've been looking for books that better explain the *end times* prophecies of different cultures.. Many of those cultures have 2012 prophecies.. this I'm aware of.. however.. the books have been limited and disappointing. Anyone have any good 2012 books??

I've discovered that there is a thief in the neighborhood. I know of at least three, possibly four, packages have been stolen from my box. The mailman says that he has delivered to the box, but we have not received the packages. The post master had us write out a complaint, which I imagine they round filed and he suggested that we file a report with the local gestapo.. who'll round file our complaint as well.. so what to do.. ya know.. it's not like I haven't kept a stiff upper lip and all that about our house fire.. but this just sucks.. folks are trying to help and I feel violated..

Eh well.. life goes on and so do we.. We sold a few goats and then traded for a young milking doe.. well milking breed anyway.. it'll be a year before she'll be ready to be milked. We also got a little bottle buckling.. He had been banned and then they took the banning off.. oh my.. not a procedure that can be undone.. he was ill and his little mandingles were swollen and infected.. poor baby.. we rebanned him and he has rebounded into good health as only a baby can..

Our chicks are all doing fine.. Yay!! Our new little pot belly boy is well.. Our three horses are well and healthy.. Even our garden is looking improved.. Now if we could just work on the house.. lol

Take care,

Vesta

I am only writing this once.. I can't think of where all I'll post it.. but if you see it more than once.. please forgive me..

We were in town today and when we got home our home/barn was engulfed in flames. Most of our building supplies for the new house (i.e. electrical wires, outlets, boxes, ect.. insulation.. plumbing.. ect.. I can't even think of what all) was in the barn side of the house.. all of our animal feed.. ratite feed, rabbit pellets, the rest of our hay.. our budding bird business.. all of our birds.. all the grain.. everything.. and everything in the house.. our furniture, my books, Galen's homeschool books, three computers.. beds, clothes.. I can't even think where to start..

We are staying at a friend's house tonight.. our neighbor is watching the rubble to make sure it doesn't flare up again.. not that there is anything left.. We're start again.. tomorrow.. We were able to save the solar panels.. and the three angora rabbits that were on the porch.. but we lost Alley (our wonderful dog)... She can't be replaced..

I'm all in a jumble right now.. I'll write more later.. and folks.. if you want to help.. we won't say no.. We're short on clothes.. and everything else.. and I don't even like this skirt.. : /

Take care,

Vesta
Hawk'Scry Farm

added later: It was suggested that I add my paypal address.. vestamoon1@gotrain.org

I'll try to get back with all your loving comments later or tomorrow.. right now I'm on anti-anxiety meds and what with the everything it's making me a little loopy.. doesn't usually do that.. sorry..

I'm making a list of what we can replace.. and what we can't.. I'm sure the replaceables.. will be.. eventually.. one way or another.. ya know.. My biggest replaceable want/need right now seems to be my spinning and weaving stuff.. One would think it would be my dishes.. and linens.. I just need to be spinning.. weird eh..

Woke up this morning at five till 6.. whoohooo.. slept all night.. first time that's happened in over two weeks.. This is so not a bad thing.. and then much to my amazement, I went back to sleep.. something I never do.. which was the bad thing maybe because when I woke up two hours later.. ugh.. hurt like a *itch.. and still do.. multiple pain killers later I'm still in pain with a massive headache.. I hate this.. *sigh* I had things to do today.. things that probably aren't going to get done..

Damn..

Take care,

Vesta

Ever have your pain interfere with your plans?? I know that I do.. I have fibromyalgia and all sorts of the wonderful little things that go along with that diagnosis.. Today, I planned on adding more log ends to the walls of my house.. but instead I'm popping pain killers and lurking around the net. It's a pain but somebody has to do it.. :)

Anybody want to talk about how they cope??

Take care,

Vesta