I wish I were dead.. Isn't that an awful thing to say.. and maybe.. just maybe.. a couple of minutes ago it was true.. A few minutes ago I discovered that my daughter hated me.. How could someone not know that?? I should have known.. I should have been able to tell. But I didn't... I've not kept in that close of touch with her.. I thought that was what she wanted.. Seems I was wrong about that too..

How does this have anything to do with death?? Nothing really.. but there are times I feel like such a failure.. My two oldest children seem to hate me.. seems the only thing to look forward to is my youngest growing up to do the same.. I suppose one could think that maybe if I wasn't in the picture.. I wouldn't have to feel that particular heartbreak.. Course.. I suppose that's the cowards way out.. and frankly I've never been called a chickenshit.. I've been called a lot of things.. probably more today than ever before.. but never that..

So I am poor white trash.. get over it folks.. this is the way I live.. I am unemployable.. despite the many hand fulls of meds I take every day.. so I get by how I can.. There are those who love the things that I do and they are willing to pay me money for them.. I own my place.. how many poor white trash folks do you know who can make that claim?? So maybe it is a hillbilly shack in the woods.. at least it is paid for.. Matter of fact.. I don't owe anything to anyone..

Maybe I didn't make the best decisions for my children.. even though I thought they were at the time.. Maybe I am more self-centered than I should be.. but ya know.. I've discovered that most people are.. and living for my children became more than I could live with.. after all.. they grew up and moved away.. who was I supposed to live for then? I had to find myself to live for.. otherwise I might as well be dead.. I think most people live for themselves.. maybe I am wrong there.. but that's my story.. as they say..

Listen to me.. defending my right to be alive.. just how much bs is that.. I was a Marine for chits sakes.. I am a good person.. I am a private person.. I mess with no one.. and damn it.. no one messes with me either.. lol awww.. aren't I the ballsy one.. People mess with me all the time.. I'm a wuss.. I take in strays and fill their bellies and take it when they screw me in the a**.. but that's me.. just ask anyone.. not that anyone knows me anymore.. I've withdrawn from public life.. except for my shows where I sell my wares.. That's as much *public* as I want.. anything else stresses me out anymore.. I basically just want to be left alone.. I've been through enough now.. If I have to.. I suppose I could still do whatever it takes.. I would guess that anyone could.. but I'd rather just chill for a few years..

It's amazing what people can/will endure.. Don't know that I'm any stronger for it.. but it hasn't beat me yet.. No one.. or no thing.. I'm stronger than you might think.. I might even be stronger than I think.. it could happen.. maybe it happens every day..

K doesn't really hate me.. she can't.. she loves me to much.. I know she does.. she can bitch and moan about me.. but hey.. she's been through alot.. and not all of it good.. but we still have love.. always have.. always will.. and if her brother finds out what her friend said to me today.. Her knight in shining armour might gain a few dents.. David doesn't hate me either.. It just feels that way to me sometimes because I'm one of those people who like to hear the love from time to time..

My two oldest just grew up different from me.. at least that's what I tell myself.. Neither of them are interested in living off the grid.. (over eight thousand dollars, it's not cheap to live with the sun).. Neither of them want the whole hayseed in the teeth.. ride the horse to town kinda lifestyle.. and I'm ok with that.. Doesn't make either one of us a *bad* person.. just makes us different.. and what is wrong with that?

So I don't really want to be dead.. and my daughter doesn't really hate me.. nor do my sons.. It's not all sunny and bright for me everyday.. but it doesn't rain all the time either.. It's just life.. we muddle through the best we can.. and there's always someone wanting to kick your a** for any mistakes you might have made along the way.. I'm used to it..

Take care,

Vesta